Yours Truly, xoxo.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Dear online diary,

The pain he have caused me is unbearable; I cannot sleep, I no longer eat; even breathing was difficult in his presence. I wish things were as they originally were, but now I realize that is impossible. His harsh words is still lingering on my mind. This is too much. I just can't take the fact where I was being accused for cheating him. No, I didn't. I just didn't. Stop accusing me. I didn't do it at all. What did I do to deserve all those harsh words, dear Allah? What did I do? Why do you have to hate me this much until you really test me so deeply? Why do I get all this shit when I pray to you everyday and not others when they didn't pray to you at all? Why do you have to hate me so much, dear Allah? Why?

Now, he's leaving me. I don't really know it was really my fault until he have to use all those harsh words on me. I'm trying my very best to change myself for the better. I even deleted my friendster and tagbox just because of him. It was because I love him so much that I will do anything for him. But then, he took me for granted. I was treated like a doll. One by one, people started to leave me. Firstly, I've lost my lil' nutz babe. Then, I've lost my own buddy. And now, he's leaving me. I feel like I'm a loser. I feel like I'm just a 2nd-hand thing. I feel like I'm just like a tissue paper; use it when need it and throw it when you've done with it. Why do he have to use all those words on me? Don't he love me anymore? I don't feel like celebrating my coming birthday. I don't feel like taking O' levels for now. I need space. Now, the time has finally come. He's leaving.

To you:
We have been through good times and bad times. But we were always there for each other. Was it all a lie or just an act that you put on for me? If so then you should go and be an actor because you got my heart fall for it. Then you turn around and break my heart to little pieces. It has been eight months since you used harsh words on me especially today, and my heart still isn't whole. Hell it isn't even half the heart I had. Thanks to what you did to me I can't let anyone in too close. So I hope that you are happy because my life is miserable. You tore my heart and soul to shreds. They are not healing at all. I loved you so much, I would have done anything for you but you accused me and call me names. You forced me to break up with you and I swear I'm hurt.

You claimed that you loved me. I am sorry to tell you that isn't love. You really need to learn the meaning of love before you tell someone that you love them. Because if you don't love them and tell them that you do, you can cause some serious damage to them emotionally. Like you did to me. Yes, you told me that you love me really much. But if you love me really much, you won't want to leave me at all. But with you being a guy of course you don't give a shit who you hurt as long as you don't get hurt.

The thing that bothers me the most and still does is that you didn't keep your promises. You told me you won't be harsh to me nomore, not ever. Honestly that is what you call a true jerk. That is what I think of you anymore. But for some odd reason I still love you eventhough you have treat me like your dog. I wish everyday that it would go away. I really don't want to love you. Sometimes I wish that I never knew you. That is how much you hurt me. But still, I won't give up.

If you really decide to let go, then I can't do nothing. I know sorry is not enough for the things I have done but I hope my sincerity is enough. I regretted searching for internet free sms to message you and now I get accused for cheating you. Because of those things, I lost you, I lost my life. And I'll never love again because of that. Even if it will take me a lifetime, I will wait for you until you come back. I would not want another love than you. I'd rather be alone than to be with someone who can't take your place. Love you always. :((

Yours loved,
Myself.